Almost 25 years ago, Jayme and I got hooked on a show called “Roswell”. It was the story of three (alien) teenagers who are living under cover in Roswell, NM. It was a classic teen angst drama from the height of the WB days. (For all of you youngsters reading this, go look it up.) On the surface, the main characters wanted to be seen (as all teenagers do), yet not seen. They wanted to blend in and be “normal”. And that’s how they lived their lives.
In an early season 1 scene, the main character Max had too much to drink and was acting out of character. Liz, his would-be girlfriend, said to him, “This isn’t you. This isn’t normal”. He walked over to a parking meter and, using his alien powers, made it light up with sparks. “What’s so great about normal?”, he asked her.
I’ve always loved that line, because it reinforces the idea that normal doesn’t have to be what society considers normal. Doesn’t have to be the “right thing”, as others view it. Circumstances in life can be “good” and not be the norm. Max was showing his true self.
For most of my life, I’ve wanted to be normal, too. Growing up with a stuttering problem, it was always the main thing keeping me from normal. Teasing, laughing, pointing…all of those things were commonplace. Kids can be rough. I developed coping mechanisms and hid out, much like my alien friends from Roswell.
All I ever wanted was to be treated like everyone else. To be accepted as normal. I would long to be the kid who did not spend English class sweating, terrified that the teacher would call on them to read out loud to the class. Oh, to be the kid who could stand up and speak extemporaneously about their summer when called upon to “share”. Ironically (for people that know me now), I was always viewed as a relatively quiet kid. Obviously, there was a reason.
Yet, as I grew up, I found friends. They accepted me for me, and my stuttering. They treated me as normal, even though I still struggled with it from time to time. I even found a girl who not only looked past it, but never even brought it up. I know Jayme noticed it. I know it probably frustrates her sometimes, as it does me. (As I think back now, she never had that pained expression on her face that most people got. Almost a pitied look. The lack of that was nice.) But it’s never been a thing between us. She accepted me, she loved me, for me.
As I sit here in 2023, I’m reminded me of these things because the idea of “normal” has been weaponized once again. We are in the midst of (yet) another phase of the ongoing culture war. This time, it seems to focus on homosexuality (still) and gender identity.
We have states (FL) looking to ban the use of the word “gay”. That same state also wants to ban transgender health care, for goodness sake. As I write this, the Florida legislature is pushing a host of bills that will limit the rights of transgender individuals. One will allow the state to take minors away from families whose child is receiving gender-affirming care. Another banned “diversity programs in colleges and prevent students and teachers from being required to use pronouns that don’t correspond to someone’s biological sex”.
Side note: WTF happened to FL? They were on the right path.
I mean, what if the state of Georgia in the early 1980’s banned stuttering, and shamed all whom suffered from it? Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But why is that any different than what’s going on here?
What’s amazing to me is the idea that these things are just now such a problem that needs solutions now. Now. Now. Now. As I’ve mentioned in the past, the folks who are raising these issues are so quick to suggest bans on this and that. Because they think these things are a problem. A threat.
And my ultimate question is a threat to what?
(I’m going to avoid a discussion on religion. I think my opposition to organized religion is well-documented, and I don’t want to focus on its regrettable influence here.)
Their answer would be that these things are a threat to the norm. (I’ve literally had someone give me this answer in a conversation recently.) It’s as if this notion of the “norm” is a perfect utopia. And their “now, now, now” chants are because it’s a problem that has only sprouted in the past several months or years.
I hate to be the one to tell them this. But homosexuality and even the want to be another gender is not new. History is filled with stories of both. If you believe the statistics, you would have to acknowledge that at least one U.S. President, for example, has been gay. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, DeSantis.
And here’s the thing, those people (in the past) lived with their own truth (internally) and had to hide it from the outside world. Directly due to this notion of the “norm”. And those people that wanted to identify as another gender, they did the same thing. They’re coming “out” now because they want things to change. The medical means exist now. They can make that dream come true. They have the opportunity live their true self.
Hell, I wish there was a medical solution to stuttering. I’d do it in a heartbeat. And my parents would have done it in a heartbeat in the 1980’s, too. You think that’s drastically different than trans-gender procedures? I don’t.
Speaking of parents, I’ve also heard the argument that some parents can blame themselves and ask the question “What did I do wrong?” and/or “How did I fail my child?” As if the idea of being gay or trans-gender is a failing in and of itself. In even asking those questions, they are inherently saying that their failed state has led to their children being who they are. That they, by the transitive property (no pun intended), are a failure. A failed state of being.
I can’t comprehend the thought process of looking at your child and labeling them a failure. How self—aggrandizing to think that your actions as a parent are so profound that it’s the only reason your child is the way there are. It couldn’t possibly be that they were born that way. It couldn’t possibly be that their inner self was hiding exactly because of the way you “raised them”.
Take a moment to realize that kids are who they are. And you don’t know what’s going on inside their head. Not really. You are given a view of them that they show you. Instead of asking “Where did I fail?”, why not say “How can I help you?”
Years ago, my therapist told me, “the world is sorely lacking in empathy”. They were right. Granted, at the time, they were specifically talking to me. Still, they were right. Legislation, like the ones mentioned above, prove that we (as a society) do not lead with empathy. We lead with fear. Fear of the anti-norm.
Where does that leave us?
One of the most interesting disconnects I have come across is the notion of the African American community and their inherent bias against homosexuality. Whether that’s based on religion, or the ever-present “norm”, I don’t know. But it was brought into stark relief for me in a conversation recently.
In my mind, these are so analogous as to be roughly equal. Each group wants to be treated equally. Accepted equally. To be part of the “norm”. Yet, the majority of the community seems to (still) outright reject it.
I’ve heard:
- “Things are moving too fast!”
- “Don’t put it ‘in my face’!”
- “They’re too aggressive!”
- “Why do I have to see that?”
Ironically, these are the same questions and arguments society has given for most movements in the past: civil rights, women’s rights, gay rights, and now trans rights.
My question to that community is this: “What would have happened if no one stepped up and pushed progress?” What would have happened if figures like Dr. King and Malcom X had not stepped up and bucked the norm? Gloria Steinem? Harvey Milk? And on. And on.
Had those people done nothing, and just sat in the background hoping for people to just accept the change one-by-one, we’d still be living in the horrors of the 1950’s and prior. And I don’t say horror in the previous sentence lightly. Despite what nostalgia wants you to believe (aka through the lens of the straight, white community), life for people not in the straight, white community was, in a word, terrifying.
People in the gay and trans communities should be stepping up and stepping out. They should be making their voices heard. They should be refusing to accept the status quo. They should be pushing progress forward.
As Steve Jobs said long ago…
“…but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward…because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
And damn it, the people not in those communities should do exactly the same thing in supporting them. It’s the only way things will actually change. It’s the only way they will find what they ultimately want, what people like myself already have, acceptance and equality.
