I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, and I heard a firework. The joke amongst us city-ites is that it’s always a gunshot. Dark humor, right? But that got my brain going through all kinds of things. What follows is almost a stream of consciousness about the idea of death, children, guns, and the “what is it all for” question.
(sarcasm) Please enjoy this upbeat trip down my own subconscious while you drink your coffee and get ready for a great day! ;) (/sarcasm)
It’s so quick One second, you’re alive, the next you’re not. Everything you’ve lived for…snuffed out. Others (people) put blood, sweat, and tears into your life and now it’s over. Just like that. What are they thinking? Do they see it as a waste? Your whole life in this one long narrative, and someone slaps the pen out of your hand. Hundreds of thousands of dollars spent to get you to this place, and it’s done. Was it worth it? Did you live your life? Did you do what you wanted? Did you even know this ending was coming? Were you simply going through your day and it just stopped? Did you think about the fact that you’d never make it back to your bed that night? Was the last food you had good? Did it satisfy you? What about your last drink? Last bit of sex? All of the warnings and training and tactics taken to keep you alive were…useless? What was the meaning of it? How did this happen? Will they miss me? Will my kids miss me? My friends? My family? My wife? What will they do after I’m gone? Is it like the movies and TV shows? Will they suffer for a while and then move on? How long will that take? What would I have been able to do if I hadn’t just gotten shot? And what’s up with the gun? Why do we have them? It can end a life so quickly. Shouldn’t we have a chance to choose this? Why are we fucking around with these things? Why do people defend this thing so vociferously? Vociferously, that’s a big word. I guess I did use big words every now and then. Although, I do use “fuck” a whole lot. Is that bad? Is cussing considered bad? Was I funny? Will people remember that? Was I handsome? And where did that word come from? What is handsome? I guess, in the end, it doesn’t matter. Everyone will end up here at some point. I always thought I’d be older than this when I died. I knew I wasn’t going to last a long time. No one in my family seems to. At least I didn’t see my own kids die. That’s a blessing, I guess. I can’t imagine that. Horrific. From that perspective, I’d be thinking these same things about their life. Jayme and I have put so much work in to get them set up for their lives. What was it all for if some asshole just comes along and ends it? Ends them. How could I live with that? How could Jayme? What would she do? What would we do? Too much. The callousness of people is unnerving. Do they even care? Is getting something “done” all they care about? So many shows and movies depict it as a “job”…killing people Is that really the way they think about it? How does someone get there? How do they become that desensitized to it? I guess this is why people want to believe in something greater than them. To fool themselves into some understanding. What a crock of crap. How could anyone, much less a god, allow someone to end someone else’s life so easily? Don’t give me “God has a plan for everything”. Bullshit. How do I, or anyone, believe in the humanity of people? Where’s the proof that we are inherently “good”? I guess that’s another way we justify reality to ourselves. Another lie for our own good.
Shit, the alarm…
